I’ve been perpetually unemployed since my quarterlife crisis hit over a year ago. There have been some rough times, and the following post documents one of the more recent incidents. I had originally placed this as a ‘missed connection’ on craigslist, but the manager chick and I never reconnected. This post also didn’t receive a ‘best of craigslist’ nod. Rejections, man. Rejections. I hope it can find some love here at Apokalips though. Enjoy.
Hey. What the fuck, lady? Remember me? Yeah. You remember me…
Our last face-to-face may have been two months ago, which is around the same time as my last hair cut and shave, but you remember me. I had two interviews with your firm, and we got along quite well. Me, the inexperienced, but quirkily charming college graduate. You, the Americanized, and therefore particularly hot, Asian woman new to management. The connection was astounding, the tension palpable, the electricity between us so strong that it superheated the atmosphere in conference room 302, creating a longitudinal wave of expanding air, ending in a tremendous clap of thunder so loud that Zeus himself appeared, and put on his own rendition of “Zero to Hero” from Disney’s Hercules….. You could not have forgotten me.
Simply put, our first meeting went well and you invited me back for a follow-up with upper management. As discussed, I arrived with a prepared pitch regarding a potential client. That shit was tiight. To paraphrase what your boss said about it, it was tighter than the world’s smallest hedgehog’s newborn hedgehoglet’s asshole on a cold winter night. I was feeling good. You said there were a few formalities to work out, but you would get back to me in a week, after the holidays.
I didn’t hear from you for a month. I quickly forgave you when you finally called though; I’m a standup guy. However, you told me you decided to take somebody with more “experience” in “the field”. I was still cool about it. It made sense. However, unsolicited, you told me there would be a new position opening up in the next few weeks, and that would give it to me. You would be calling me then. Or so you said…
More than a month later I rolled off of my friend’s couch hungover this Thursday morning. I grabbed my shit and started walking to the train so I could return home to the job search. And who did I see? Yes, ma’am. You. You…
Turns out you live in my buddy’s neighborhood and you got up early to head to your exclusive place of business. Don’t deny that we made eye-contact. I made sure we made eye-contact, incensed that you had never called… something that caused me great emotional anguish. Am I not good enough? Am I not worth the wear a touch-tone phone might cause to your porcelain-skinned fingertips? I am not some harlot you picked up at a bar as practice, who, despite having a great conversation, turned out to be older than you expected… so you threw out her number in a drunken stupor, never calling her… but later discovered that she worked in the same building as you… so you had to awkwardly ignore her twice a week on the elevator. I know that person. She lives in Boston. I demand more respect than that, Miss.
What’s worse? You walked right past me and hopped into your California-plated Lexus SUV. Ooo Hollywood over here has some extra billz from her new management position. What about the environment you gas-guzzling hussy? Yeah. I said it. I’m a citizen of the world, ma’am, more than I can say for you.
Things got worse from there. Morning rush-hour had begun, and the road had an inordinate amount of stop-lights. You had to drive next to me for 3 blocks at my exact walking pace… allowing me to stew in our unfortunate situation.
You were first in line at the final stop light. I could have kept walking along, letting our paths diverge for good… but it was time I took a stand. A stand for all the victims of recession. A stand for everyone! Who, despite earned degrees, savvy social skills, keen intellect, or exceptional sexual prowess, still have to kiss ass for 1-3 meetings, in order to get a job they barely even want…
With the strength of ~10% of the US population behind me, I gave you the most powerful middle finger ever witnessed by another human being on the face of this Earth… one inch from your driver’s side window. The shockwave from my erected obscene gesture rattled the streetlights, pushing your Lexus up on 2 wheels… car alarms could be heard for miles.
The light turned green, and without even a glance, you continued on to work.
I just wanted to let you know that it was me. Maybe there is a long shot chance you couldn’t see it through the beard and shaggy do. Perhaps the smell of stale alcohol and broken dreams made me out to be another crazed homeless person.
But it was me.
You’re a manger now. Sack-up with your job rejections and don’t sugarcoat them with promises of fake, future openings.
Seriously though. You’re a wonderful person, and I hope we run into each other again. :W.